I've lost something today. Actually, something has died within me today. That's not just me saying, I've lost the will to live, that's me telling you something has died inside me. I've lost it for good. A part of me died inside and I'm powerless to help it.

Well, I'm basically fed up. My course is coming to an end and at the minute all I can do is revise - which is boring. What's even more worse is that I am sick of living where I am living right now and pine for my brand spanking new 36" HDTV and Playstation 3 with Residential Evil 5. I want to go to my local, drink some cider, watch some football and just forget about studying Japanese. This year is just so dull and I can't be bothered anymore.

I'm not overly confident about one of my modules called Contemporary Japanese Society - which sort of fits in nicely with the whole "Japan is screwed" concept - but is fiendishly difficult to analyse in terms of a sociological viewpoint. There is also a ton of information I should really know about Japan that I currently don't. I expect 3 hours of bullshitting my way through this.

My other module is of course Japanese language - which is annoying because they are basically cramming in seven years worth of work into 3 months and then ask you do some extra stuff so you can be semi-fluent when we arrive in Tokyo next year. Yeah right. My Japanese has actually gotten worse this year thanks to workload this year. Next year is actually looking like a doddle compared to this year. My grammar still stinks (I overuse and misuse particles like its out of fashion) whereas my speaking is non-existent. I just can't be arsed (especially when I'm living in the UK and there is very little incentive.) I'm still at a much higher level than my current grades give me credit for - which is why when I go to Japan I will have amassed a far greater knowledge of the language than some of my contemporaries who are going to Japan. I am basically giving up June and July in order to keep focusing on this grammar and vocab and of course to finish off the dreaded kanji set (I am at about 40% - which seems ridiculous.) I am desperate in a sick, perverted kinda way to absolutely obliterate everyone one is getting a scholarship for next year - as it vindicates me. It makes me feel good about myself when I look at my ability alongside people who have either lived in Japan or have Japanese parents/spouses. I would be personally embarrassed if after one or two years there my level was the same as someone whose some total comes to around 10 days. With this in mind, I am going to force myself upon learning and speaking it everyday in Japan. Like I said, I've changed. A part of me has died today. Its dead. It will never come back.

I am very close to killing my "other" flatmate (I use inverted commas to show my contempt for him) as personally he can die in a ditch someway in a lay-by on the M40 after he hemorrhages so much blood from being beaten brutally by his own fucking gym weights and RnB CD's. Nah, I'm kidding really I wouldn't really do that.... I'd chuck him in the M1 - as its on my way home and far more convenient. Plus the ditches on the M40 aren't that suitable to dump mutilated corpses. He shall die along with the very core that has departed me today.

All this stress of the exams and my Japanese ability is putting me through absolute uncontrollable stress which is bringing back my very bad anxiety attacks - which can be absolutely crippling. So I see a doctor and he gives me some valium. What then? I'll just get some infarction from either Kanye West giving me an ebonics lecture on love through my fucking concrete wall or some hyped up bitch at Japan Society jumping around and bouncing off the wall because it seems Japan is the greatest thing in the world. Oh do fuck off. Just let me sup my beer, take my valium, and let the things inside me die in peace thank you very much. Let me console myself about what I've just lost today. I'm mourning. Let me mourn in peace.

This year has been a washout socially - mainly down to me not giving two slimey handjobs about doing the same things as last year again and also because I'd rather save up on the whole 'excitement' for next year.

But its crazy. The very things I'm depressed about should me make me feel happy right? I'm studying Japanese at one of the best universities in the country, I'm off to Japan next year to live in Tokyo for a whole year, I have a beautiful, smart and funny girlwhohappenstobemyfriend who likes me - I am at the pinnacle of my life right now.

But is this what I've lost today. My previous sense of perspective. My former sense of reality. My old hope for the future. I've become such a strong person over the past couple of years that I am incapable of doing what I would have done so long ago - and that was to give up and admit defeat and hide in the shadow of what is confronting me. I am not scared anymore. I'm not scared of the things and the people around me and whether or not I choose to accept them and let them get the better of me.

That's what I've lost today. That is what has died inside me.

Semper Fi

RIP

I'll miss you my dear friend.

Interesting little video on the whole Japanese mask thing. I remember seeing one show on Japanese TV in which foreigners were asked about the weird things they experience in Japan. Most certainly, wearing gas masks is one of them and came up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCI0pGgr33g&feature=channel

Different cultures I guess, but Japan is one that is obsessed with hygiene.

I'll leave you with my some of my thoughts. These thoughts amble through my brain at a million miles a second but take years to understand. Here's what I think so far, about Japan, about life, about myself and about my future in general. No.... actually that's wrong, I won't be telling you that - because I am incapable of doing so. Here's what you should do;

Go and find a copy of 'Cat's Cradle' by Kurt Vonnegut. Read it cover to cover. Done? Good.

The main protagbist of this book is a guy called John Everyman. For he is just an everyman and called John.

Upon researching the history behind the Atomic bomb and the children of Felix Hoenikker, the creator of the modern atom bomb - he discovers 'Ice-9' a chemical that can turn all the world's water supplies into ice by a process of atom crystalising from one to another. Finding himself flung ashore on San Lorenzo one of the poorest nations on earth in search of locating Hoenikker's children he discovers the relgion if Bokononism - so influential that it is banned even though everyone practices it.

The corrupt dictator of this tinpot little island, uses his sources to buy a piece of Ice-9 from one of Hoenikker's children who is living on the island. The dictator promplty drinks the chemical to commit suicide as a result of a terminal cancer and promptly infects the river source - and thus every single drop of water on earth.

As the water dries up, John seeks refuge in a bomb shelter and discovers the rest of the people on San Lorenzo who although suriving in the shelters have committed suicide by ingesting Ice-9, at the bequest of the teachings of Bokonoism.

However he finds Lionel Boyd Johnson - Bokonon, the founder of Bokononism. He is a working on a book. The greatest book on human stupidity the world has ever seen. In conclusion, Bokonon advises John to climb to the top of the highest mountain on the island, clutching his book. This book - is called Cat's Cradle. There he rests, book grasped firmly in his hands and looking straight up into the sky as all the life source around him evaporates into blocks of ice.

He swallows the last remaining Ice-9 and grins horribly still staring up into the sky, one single man, an everyman if you will, one single person holding a testament of man's utter stupidity and utterly doomed existence on this planet.

For you see. I am John. I am an everyman. I am the man carrying this book to the top of a mountain as the world turns into blocks of ice around me.

I apologise. There I've said it. In the heat of the moment I said some things I shouldn't have. natwest and my lovely uni don't deserve to feel the wrath of my visa application. I concede defeat - it was 100% my fault. Of course, they are not dead to me - that was a silly thing to say.

I've now realised my time in Sheffield is very, and I mean very short indeed. If things go to plan, I should be finished once all my exams finish - pending girlwhohappenstobemyfriend (who finished a few days earlier than I do and whom I need to say "goodbye" to - cos I won't see her for a while.) I'm scared both how quickly this year has gone and how quickly the time will go. Before I know it, I will be spending my £500 LEA travel allowance in a Macao casino. ^^;

My exams (only two!) are on the 28th of May (Contemporary Society) and 4th of June (Japanese IV) So I should be finished in less than 6 weeks. I think its 30 odd something days. I've also noted one curious thing about the exam timetable. Because a bank holiday falls amongst the exam dates - the uni decided to shift some of the exams to a saturday. A saturday! Work... on a saturday! Whatever next...

My Japanese is still declining. I'm trying to watch some Japanese TV - as this what got me to my previous level. When you don't surround yourself with the language its just so hard. My sakubun (my daily written homework in Japanese) is practically finished, a rare first - so its off to the library tomorrow for a good ol' session of doing all the work I was supposed to do during the holidays. I've written about 80% of my contemporary society essay (due in next Tuesday) and will get my new assignment for classical Japanese soon. All in all, I'm managing the work but perhaps struggling to absorb anything effectively and use this practically for the exam. Don't even get me started on the Contemp Society exam. For that, I'm just going to hope I can wikipedia all my knowledge in the coming weeks. The stuff on homogenity is a given after I did during my minorities stuff - but the economics and constitution etc etc will need to be typed up next weekend.

Finally, I'm tempted to go to Liverpool next month to see the bloody brilliant electro-meisters from Japan, 80kidz. -_- Their new album (as you've seen by my twitter updates) is just immense.

Well, another week to go as my 6 weeks (well 5 and a bit!) of fun begin...

Jaaa ne.

Seems my girlwhohappenstobemyfriend is ignoring me again and we are unable to do anything together in this lovely sunshine - thanks to a combination of having her sister come and visit her from Japan and me being stuck 100 odd miles away.

I've still not got any funny e-mails from Japanese people wanting English lessons yet. I should really check the inbox as some of them are riotous. On the notion of riotous, if you want a good laugh - then I recommend you check out the personal sections in metropolis.

Metropolis is basically an English language paper for the Tokyo community. my favourite section is the personal ads which range from men wanting to find the odd Korean sado-machist in Shibuya to the bored Japanese housewife - who in no uncertain terms is 'married but free' and is searching for a 'foreigner to have fun with.'

Native English speakers only btw... XD

This thing just keeps delivering quality material. I also stayed up until 5am the other night scouring through them. Its become an addiction. Maybe with girlwhohappenstobemyfriend currently occupied I can find some additional female company. ^o^ <---- That's my sexy face btw.

Jaa ne.

I am now stuck at home in Middlesbrough. Bored. Depressed and panicking... The reason for all of this? Having Natwest as a bank. I am now relying on them to send my financial details through the post, so I can finally get my visa sorted. They send me absolute shite day after day but no bank statement. I just know... know in the pit of my stomach that the statement I receive won't be correct or will have some errors on it. Even worse, I'm doubting it will ever arrive in the post. I am now in an absolute state. I just know, that something will and no doubt, is, going wrong.

I've been screwed out of a visa application both by my uni in Sheffield and by my bank.

I am now rejecting both of them, once all this shit has been sorted out. Personally, Sheffield University can go for a long walk off a short pier. This uni is dead to me, as of today. I have four weeks of teaching and two exams left. And that's it. Natwest oth, can just die. Because I want to take my money elsewhere. They have the worse policies in the world and can just rot in hell. I do not want their custom anymore.

On a final note, I am sick of Japan right now. Sick of this language and sick of everything to do with Japan. I have six weeks of this shit left and just want it to go away. I don't give two shits about the year abroad. It just seems like a complete waste of time and effort.

Turns out the forms weren't good enough. I have to get up early tomorrow, bike all the way to town, shout at my bank and then send the new forms off. If they don't write me a good enough letter, heaven knows what that is - then I just won't bother anymore. I can't be arsed. Japan is such an annoying country - full of annoying little things that grate you. I'm not even there yet and I'm still cheesed off with the entire process. I have decided indefinitely to shun any responsibility to my university here in the UK next year. Quite frankly, I don't care anymore.

Right now, I very much am not into the idea of doing a year abroad in Japan. I want to go to Japan. But an entire year out there, with no money and wasting a year where I could be doing my degree here in the UK - just seems rather pointless. Perhaps all this will change - but one thing is for certain, I am not the same person when I started this degree. And more to the point, I am a not enthusiastic about going to Japan as I once was. Sorry, I am not enthusiastic about going as an exchange student.

The whole thing seems rather turgid and stale.

I'm going back to Sheffield this weekend - as I've grown tired of the things around me here - and I'm getting no work done whatsoever.