I've lost something today. Actually, something has died within me today. That's not just me saying, I've lost the will to live, that's me telling you something has died inside me. I've lost it for good. A part of me died inside and I'm powerless to help it.

Well, I'm basically fed up. My course is coming to an end and at the minute all I can do is revise - which is boring. What's even more worse is that I am sick of living where I am living right now and pine for my brand spanking new 36" HDTV and Playstation 3 with Residential Evil 5. I want to go to my local, drink some cider, watch some football and just forget about studying Japanese. This year is just so dull and I can't be bothered anymore.

I'm not overly confident about one of my modules called Contemporary Japanese Society - which sort of fits in nicely with the whole "Japan is screwed" concept - but is fiendishly difficult to analyse in terms of a sociological viewpoint. There is also a ton of information I should really know about Japan that I currently don't. I expect 3 hours of bullshitting my way through this.

My other module is of course Japanese language - which is annoying because they are basically cramming in seven years worth of work into 3 months and then ask you do some extra stuff so you can be semi-fluent when we arrive in Tokyo next year. Yeah right. My Japanese has actually gotten worse this year thanks to workload this year. Next year is actually looking like a doddle compared to this year. My grammar still stinks (I overuse and misuse particles like its out of fashion) whereas my speaking is non-existent. I just can't be arsed (especially when I'm living in the UK and there is very little incentive.) I'm still at a much higher level than my current grades give me credit for - which is why when I go to Japan I will have amassed a far greater knowledge of the language than some of my contemporaries who are going to Japan. I am basically giving up June and July in order to keep focusing on this grammar and vocab and of course to finish off the dreaded kanji set (I am at about 40% - which seems ridiculous.) I am desperate in a sick, perverted kinda way to absolutely obliterate everyone one is getting a scholarship for next year - as it vindicates me. It makes me feel good about myself when I look at my ability alongside people who have either lived in Japan or have Japanese parents/spouses. I would be personally embarrassed if after one or two years there my level was the same as someone whose some total comes to around 10 days. With this in mind, I am going to force myself upon learning and speaking it everyday in Japan. Like I said, I've changed. A part of me has died today. Its dead. It will never come back.

I am very close to killing my "other" flatmate (I use inverted commas to show my contempt for him) as personally he can die in a ditch someway in a lay-by on the M40 after he hemorrhages so much blood from being beaten brutally by his own fucking gym weights and RnB CD's. Nah, I'm kidding really I wouldn't really do that.... I'd chuck him in the M1 - as its on my way home and far more convenient. Plus the ditches on the M40 aren't that suitable to dump mutilated corpses. He shall die along with the very core that has departed me today.

All this stress of the exams and my Japanese ability is putting me through absolute uncontrollable stress which is bringing back my very bad anxiety attacks - which can be absolutely crippling. So I see a doctor and he gives me some valium. What then? I'll just get some infarction from either Kanye West giving me an ebonics lecture on love through my fucking concrete wall or some hyped up bitch at Japan Society jumping around and bouncing off the wall because it seems Japan is the greatest thing in the world. Oh do fuck off. Just let me sup my beer, take my valium, and let the things inside me die in peace thank you very much. Let me console myself about what I've just lost today. I'm mourning. Let me mourn in peace.

This year has been a washout socially - mainly down to me not giving two slimey handjobs about doing the same things as last year again and also because I'd rather save up on the whole 'excitement' for next year.

But its crazy. The very things I'm depressed about should me make me feel happy right? I'm studying Japanese at one of the best universities in the country, I'm off to Japan next year to live in Tokyo for a whole year, I have a beautiful, smart and funny girlwhohappenstobemyfriend who likes me - I am at the pinnacle of my life right now.

But is this what I've lost today. My previous sense of perspective. My former sense of reality. My old hope for the future. I've become such a strong person over the past couple of years that I am incapable of doing what I would have done so long ago - and that was to give up and admit defeat and hide in the shadow of what is confronting me. I am not scared anymore. I'm not scared of the things and the people around me and whether or not I choose to accept them and let them get the better of me.

That's what I've lost today. That is what has died inside me.

Semper Fi

RIP

I'll miss you my dear friend.