Normally on a Tuesday night, I'm sat in my local furrowing my brow over questions about the length of the Gold Gate bridge or other such nonense. However this Tuesday, for the first time in 6 weeks was slightly different as I spent it cold and alone by myself watching my football team try and beat Scunthorpe United. We succeeded btw. 2-0.

Now even though I am currently seeking a compassionate loving girlfriend, yes I know its hard to believe that a stud like me is semi-single; but I do think I would make someone a good boyfriend, husband, whatever. I can take care of myself, I can cook, clean (just about) and can pay the bills on time (well almost.)

To increase my international standing in the world of the culinary art-form, I decided to cook myself a spicy keema and wild rice (I forget the name, but it sounded damn exotic and would have been sure fire bonus if I had a girlfriend.)

Despite the wonder that cooking shall bring, it begin with a bit of a disaster as I discovered some idiot had accidentally frozen my lamb mince, meaning I had to hack it to pieces and fry to solid baked heaven in the frying pan by chiseling it pieces with a small knife.

Soon after 10 minutes my furious stabbing techniques had allowed me to break up the mince and get the stuff cooking. Add a little bit of chickpeas and vegetables and then some spice-mix and water and then shazam… we are cooking. I then decided to make myself some wild-rice to go with this spicy mincey little concoction but on a quick discovery in the cupboards some idiot (presumably the same idiot who stuck my mince in the freezer) decided to use all the small pans. So there I am using a gigantic pan to shove my tiny segement of rice into. I felt sorry for these small portions of rice all huddled together in this large brooding metallic cavern of a pot.

As the rice was cooking, I prepared some roti bread to go with my meal. Creating bread brings back those childhood memories of getting stuck in, creating a load of mess with the dough and rolling it around and having a laugh. But when you are an adult, the prospect of mess in a kitchen usually brings you out in a cold rash. I preceded to roll the mixture with the water until it was nice and gooey but then unconsciously started rolling it out onto the kitchen top, which I then noticed was covered with small semi-frozen molecules of lamb mince that I had been chiseling from minutes earlier. Oh dear. A quick flick of the wrists and small pinch and all this food hygiene business is swept under the table.

Once I had made a giant ball of dough, I then separated it out into 4 balls and left them on the side. My rice was done. On closer inspection, the rice had absorbed up most of the water but was still a bit too gooey rather than fluffy. However any excess moisture was to be soaked up the keema sauce

I rolled out the balls on a hastily cleaned chopping board but then forget the basic rule of dough: You gotta flour. Yep the frigging thing kept sticking and even though I laboriously chucked several tons of flour on the dough, rolling pin and board it continued to stick. Ah nuts to this. I kneaded it out in my hand creating a small palm shaped mini-pitta bread sized blob of dough and throw it on my second frying pan.

Now I discovered another problem. The pan I used to cook the keema in is pretty big and takes up half of the hob, so I ended up with trying to squeeze two frying pans together onto the hobs, which covered up the buttons, leaving me to anxiously dip my fingers under one of the pans to turn up/down the heat. Thankfully, I avoided burning off my finger-tips.

The results were the following;


Looks alright doesn't it?

In hindsight the keema came out slightly too thick and it congealed on the side of the frying pan, leaving really strong burnt bits of sauce stuck to the bits of keema. it passed the taste test however - it didn't taste of rotting lamb arse or frozen sheep turd.

The rota oth, ended up being small doughy bread but it still tasted good.


Hmmm. Well even this scruffy bearded sonofabitch likes it;


Overall it was an edible meal and one which I won’t be making again. Not least because of the inevitable food poisoning I will contract tomorrow. I think I'll stick my chosen classics in the future and not stray to far from what I know best. Still its good to increase my knowledge of world food and new techniques for poisoning my enemies.