I haven't slept for the past few days. I haven't showered for about a week either. All I can hear in my head is the sound of '99 Luftballons' and childhood memories of the Berlin Wall. I'm a nostalgic quivering wreck of nerves, a giant ball of sweaty pubic hair and alcohol fueled vitriol. I'm losing weight thanks to pure laziness and a desire to eat nothing whatsoever. I'm not even depressed. But I'm not even happy either... What the hell is wrong with me?

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich, dann singe ich ein Lied für dich...

Japan is now firmly on the horizon. My certificate of eligibility is winging its way to my doorstep sometime this week (bizarrely my Uni have decided to send it themselves rather than it coming direct from the Japanese government) and now its just up to me to finalise travel dates etc. Whilst I would love to go early, its a matter of studying and preparation. If I was to leave at the end of August or even the first few days of September - I would be going with zero preparation, both mentally and logistically. Simply put I haven't prepared much for Japan. I don't even know what I want to do when I get there. Erm yeah. The entire experience is kinda flat at the minute. Its like I don't care tbh, but at the same time I do but am powerless to change my opinions or mood. I don't know how I'm going to survive out there for a year, leaving the UK behind. I've still yet to feel excited about this. Its feeling like one giant inconvenience.

Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont, hielt man für Ufos aus dem All, darum schickte ein General

Japan is basically like one giant blur on the horizon. Something I've waited for two year but now the entire experience is leaving me with the mood of complete apathy. I'm more interested in leaving the UK and experiencing being a student elsewhere rather than experiencing Japan itself. Japan has just become a friend to me, rather than an intimate lover.

99 Kriegsminister...Streichholz und Benzinkanister.

My Japanese lnguage ability has taken a nosedive of late and I really, REALLY need to start studying again. I've simply forgotten so much and I need to get these fears out of my head. So much kanji, grammar and vocab - I've simply been to preoccupied with wasting time and have neglected the Japanese. My goals have simply not been set.

Well fuck that.

Ließen keinen Platz für Sieger, Kriegsminister gibt's nicht mehr...

That's not gonna keep me down.

Und auch keine Düsenflieger, heute zieh' ich meine Runden....

Because, tomorrow I'm back to these kanji and stomping Japanese to the curb.

Seh' die Welt in Trümmern liegen, Hab' 'nen Luftballon gefunden

You hear me Japanese? You are going to fucking die!!!!

Denk' an dich und lass' ihn fliegen

*ugh* I probably need to get some sleep and possibly a change of song.