I've decided to resurrect my blog after some inactivity of about two weeks. Lolz. How time flies. The main reason has been the amount of work I've been doing and a general lack of 'can't be arsed typing out my feelings' syndrome.

At the moment things are feeling pretty shitty but at the same time they are going very well. The very things which are causing to me go insane are making me feel stronger and the things that are making me feel strong and causing me to crash down to earth with a sharp bump.

I've highlighted several things as I'm now officially back into the groove of uni.

1. I'm not going to get a g/f. I might if I try, but I just can't be arsed. There are lots of cute girls here, but I officially can't be bothered. When I try, I come off as desperate and when I don't - I end up seeming distant. Tbh, what started out as a priority for me has dwindled pretty fast. I also can't be arsed with the whole 'I'll be going to Japan next year, so see you later' type thing either. Ugh. I have decided just to make as many cool friends as possible and if things happen, then things happen. I just can't be bothered to hunt them down - as I well know, nothing good will come of that.

2. I've done 4 weeks of Japanese, and I've still not improved. For sure, I have learnt more kanji and grammar but this has pushed out all the old stuff. My listening is still bad and as for my speaking.... Its like talking with a mouth full of sodden ash sometimes. Sod it all I say.

3. I am almost 70% (well, maybe 90% certain) that I will go to Kansai for my year abroad, Kobe to be exact. After some researching and soul-searching it seems the best option for me. Hoo-dee-hum. It all depends on whether I will be allowed to go, or if I can bribe my YA co-ordinator. Our first really *big* meeting is next week, so this when the fun really begins. There seems to be a lot of apathetic people this year and maybe only a few who truly want to go to certain areas, so it would seem so utterly shit, if I wasn't nominated by my university and someone who was ambivalent about ending up at Kobe went there instead. Gyaaaarrrggh! If I can't go here, I'll try and sneak back to Tokyo somehow.

4. In contrast to no3, the whole YA (Year Abroad) seems like a cool novelty so far. As it stands, a lot of people will drop out after the exam and some people will end up getting scared off due to costs. At the minute, even yours truly is viewing next year with huge grey suspicion. Pass the first semester and you'll be fine I've been told. Yeah right.

5. I am detesting the size of my classes so far. It seems as if the guys who went before us (especially those who graduated last year and the current fourth years) had such great small groups. It seems as if we are suffering this year. Oh, and the JS newbs (japan studies freshers) have about 76 odd in their year. Christ, what a living joke.

6. Back to point 1. My friend Aya contacted me today and I was overcome with a sense of emotion. Okay, she might have been a bit humble when she told me that she doesn't think she will pass her year abroad exam, but a huge part of me is wanting her to fail - just for the completely selfish act of me being in Japan (or more to the point Kansai) when she is there. *sigh*. I really like her and she is very sweet - but the small part of my soul which is telling me to do the 'friend thing' first (that is to say, support her in what she wants to do) is coming to fore, more and more now. At the end of the day, I want what is best for her, and screw the practicalites. If we both pass our exams, our paths will cross - but we will of course still share some common bonds. Its a friendship I always want to maintain with her - because she is such a unique individual who I want to know until I'm old and grey. And I know that is trite, but she geninuely is an amazing person who makes me feel good about things...

Well in short: I love my flatmates, I love my flat, I love my course. I love my sensei, I love my classmates, I love my subject, I love the new Japanese people who come here, I love my inability in Japanese, I love my charming northern style, I love my intellect, I love being able to think about things that don't concern me, I love not giving a fuck, I love seeing the months fly away, I love everything, I love nothing, I love not havign any money, I love having student loans, I love buying drinks and getting drunk, I love people, I love me, I love YOU, but most of all I love my life at the minute - no matter how shit it feels at times.

Damn! Where does the time fly, when you are having fun eh? Let me summarise things so far...

Monday: First day excitement and something of damp squib in more ways than one. Classes started at 9am and although its an early start, I would happily get up at 4am for my grammar teacher. The grammar, was kinda pointless and very soft - thankfully she must know how much we are all feeling about our Japanese after 4 months off.

The day ended with a bit of a rush. A 5 hour interlude and then an introductory spell about Japan's Minorities. I then rushed home in the rain and then onto Las Iguanas in the rain and said a sad farewell to my friend Michiko whose birthday it was and also who is going back to Japan next month. How I'll miss her. Our relationships is so unusual, and I kinda think of her as an older sister. I tell her all kinds of crap about my relationships and social life and she in turn listens and makes me feel good about myself. If all goes to plan, I'll end up seeing her sooner than some of her other friends in Sheffield, which really brings home how long and how far some people can be apart from each other at times.

Tuesday: Tuesday is a pain in the arse, because I have three classes and have a ton of fecking work to do. It starts by having some more grammar and writing in Japanese at 10am and ends with Nic giving us a sheet to read in Japanese which half of us can't read. The size of the class also takes the proverbial with people sitting on the windowsills and ceiling. Yes, the class is that big! Before that, I get the luxury of Japan's Minorities in the same room, which also has capacity problems. Sort it out Sheffield!

Wednesday: We recieved the dreaded talk by Angela-sensei, the head of our second year, who instilled confidence in us by telling us how hard this level is. If you miss several classes, you get refered and sent a letter, then if you fail the exam, you get told to switch degrees... and its not optional. In short, YOU WILL FAIL, YOU WILL NOT GO TO JAPAN, YOU WILL BE A LONER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! Tbh, although a lot of what she said was tough, I agreed with her. If you struggled with last year's Japanese you will find this very hard. Likewise, people who are struggling along will probably never improve whilst on the course, given the intensive workload placed on us poor bastards. I hope for the class size's sake at least, some people will do the honest thing and drop out (what a terrible thing to say behind the keys of a laptop overlooking a tiling shop in central Sheffield.)

Later on it was the dreaded Japan Society Intro thing. This was kinda surreal for several reasons; Firstly, I totally underestimated how many people would turn up. In the end it was a lot. And secondly I seem to undersell myself sometimes. I just randomly start chatting to Japanese and English alike after just one pint of Czech beer. I am also pondering something else, which I'll talk about later and which I think is hilarious and sad at the same time.

There was a few nice girls there (well what can I say) and I ended up walking four of them back home (I am a kind person amongst this fragile shell of a hubris.) And lastly, we found another full-time Japanese student!!! And he's from KANSAI! Brain overload. Seriously. I just can't wait until next week, when we have the big intro thing and another bout of tandem learning.

Thursday: Today? Oh today was boring. In fact, today never happened. That's how interesting it was. I had another spell of lexicology today with my lecturer reminding me of a Eddie Izzard type character with a severe bout of lexiphilia (love of words.) No actually, he just doesn't love words, he REALLY loves words. Words cannot describe his love for words. Haha. Me and my flatmate also completed Resistance Fall of Man on the PS3. And then we are waiting to for number 2, to justify the crappy ending of the first one.

Friday: Tomorrow I have just the one lesson, with the delightful Arai-sensei, whom I was so close to adding on facebook. Technically we have one mutual friend. The friend in question whose birthday it was on Monday and who is leaving Sheffield as we speak. I think I'll do the Japanese thing and keep my distance and respect the honoured gakusei-sensei hierarchy.

Plus, I don't want her to see photos of me drunk in some nightclub, before my kanji test on Monday morning. I've learnt one thing about the Japanese people in my four odd years of socialising with them - THEY TALK!

So busy right now, so...

jaa ne!

I have finally ended what was a pretty bizarre relationship with Yukari today. In short, she is making me feel upset. I feel extremely sorry for her, because she is turning into a cast iron figure of sorrow and its making me feel lonely and depressed too. I want to speak with some of my friends who don't divert the conversation to relationships every six seconds. Yukari is a nice girl and she'll find happiness sooner or later. It just won't be with me. I'm going through a lot of things right now and being stuck in something like that - will only make things worse. Friends should make you happy and tell you what good things you have in your life, not showcase what is utterly wrong with yours like a prophetic mirror of doom.

I'm just really sad, because I don't think she ever will find happiness if she continues to act in the way she does.

For a girl at least, it can be damaging thanks in part to wilful and negligent sadism of men. I really hope she can do some growing up, because her behaviour has totally ruined things. It was never my intention to forge anything more than a decent online friendship with her, but now even that is ruined. Maybe, I am to blame for leading her on. Sometimes what I say and do can be misinterupted as something else. I can be overfriendly and perhaps she got the wrong impression.

I feel really sorry for her now. Because I feel like I have abandonded her, depsite the friendship we both created. But I feel as if, it had to end - for both of us. I'm just really sad, it has ended on such a sad note.

Well to lighten the mood, there will be some new Japanese students to meet in Sheffield soon - so no doubt things will be a lot different!

Argh! Big news! Yesterday I found out, there is indeed a clash and there is nothing I can do about it. So now I have only three modules available to me in SEAS (Society and Lit in Contemporary Japan, Japan's Minorities and Modern Japanese History)

The latter I cannot take without History credits and the first one has a very demanding reading list per week. So, by Hobson's choice (no, not Hugo Dobson - the legendary Japanese Studies lecturer) I choose studying about Ainu and Zainichi.

This could prove a blessing in disguise. The guy who teaches the module is just pure awesome and really loves his subject matter. Although, I was slightly concerned when he said he may have to cap the numbers this year, so I might just end up filling in this Add/Drop form really quickly just to be on the safe side of things.

It will also be a nice complement, as I have never done any social science modules and tackled anything about Japan from a social point of view before. I thought I would hate learning about stuff like this - but I could be proved wrong.

Say hello to my timetable for 12 lovely weeks.



Its looking a lot more user friendy now isn't it?

10 hours contact time! 2 hours less than last time I think.

I'm itching for the year to start and I don't know why. Perhaps I just want an excuse to go studying or maybe its just that I'm genuinely excited to be learning new things and seeing all the old and new faces in my respective departments.

I also have to read these three books in 6 days now. *eep* One is almost done, as its just two short case studies about corpus development, whereas the other has about 100 pages left and just keeps on going with its unrelenting boredom that language is not just language but something vague and delicious that can't be explained, although the author is attempting to do so. The final one I need to pick up in the IC tomorrow and is basically one of the books that is not on the reading list, but I'd thought I'd read it anyway - because I'm hard. And sad... And some other adjectives I can't think of right now that sums up my nerdyness. Is that even a word?

[Lisa Simpson]Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity![/Lisa Simpson]

Note to self: Stop watching the Simpsons and get back to studying.

Oh yeah, I also need to type up some suru verbs later. I guess I'm taking it slightly easier now that freshers is among us. And at least I have got over my kanji hangover. They are coming a bit better now, although I'm still stuck with a few. Focusing on the ones I can't get, just forces out the ones I used to be able to get.

このブログであまり日本語が書かないな？それで、今から日本語を書くことにするつもりんだよね。がんばりましょうね！

じゃぁ、今日は「サクシ」ってレストランに行かなかったんだけど、雄飛さんはイギリスに帰ったとき、行って、「Ｊａｐａｎｅｓｅ　Ｐｅｒｓｐｅｃｔｉｖｅ］って聞くでしょうね。また、ながい先生にＥメールを貰ったんだ。

さぁ、

楽しくなそうだよ！

月曜日と木曜日火曜日には一授業課もがあるんだよ！じゃ、他方で水曜日はめんどうくさそうだよ！

三時間アツ・タワーに行って、言語学レクチャーのために、ヒックスってビールに行ったら、アツ・タワーに行き帰らなくちゃ！

Joint Honoursんで、みなさん！

最後、ユニオンで道に迷うそういしわた先生を見た。多分、付けてあげればよかったね。。。

二年生になくなったね！

Ugh, I'm starting the detox early and never eating fatty foods again. I stupidly ate a KFC today and I feel like crap. I actually feel fat and stodgy. My whole body has some sort of ache about it. The thing is, I'm not really addicted to this thing. It just somehow forces its way down my esophagus.

Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through this much pain. I am going to the gym tomorrow to sweat out this crap and then detoxing with some nice fruit and veg and water. I was planning to start my diet and detox when I get back to Sheffield, but I've decided its best to do it ahead of schedule.

I'm also giving up the booze and will only drink in social situations when I go out with friends to the pub or nightclub. My body is slowing down. Aaaarrrggggghhhh. I also installed MSN ahead of schedule because I need to talk to Murakawa (ah bless him - he's even back on facebook now.) Sadly its getting unintsalled in about 30 minutes because I want to stay true to my promise and not just detox my body. I want my mind in tip top shape for the start of my second year in Sheffield.

Unbelievably, I have given up the idea of finishing these books for linguistics. The main problem is the sheer distance to the library. I can't focus at all in my room and I have to go to the library to study. However its 2.6 miles either way (that's a total 5.2 miles on the bike) and I just don't have the strength to do the journey just to read some books.

Thankfully I'll be able to study when I get back as I'll be in a much more stable environment and of course a far less daunting journey to get there! For the first few days back in Sheffield and pretty much 75% of fresher's week I'll be studying in the IC. What a comepletly sad bastard I am!

I don't know where this optimism for next year is coming from... Perhaps its living with people I genuinely like, or maybe its because I've braved the first year and have developed a smugness. I don't have to work hard as those in their final year, and I can lecture the first years on life in Sheffield and beyond.

I'm starting to plan what I'm going to do for freshers, as last year was a bit of a washout because I still felt way out of my comfort zone at times. It should be nice if we can get something organised for all the JS crew (that's Japanese Studies folks) as it would be really good to get to know everyone. The wonderful thing about Japanese at Sheffield is that because its such a niche subject, everyone knows everyone and there is a friendly, family feel amongst the people who study it.

Hopefully the dates we plan for the intro thing, will be on a date that suits my timetable! ^o^

There is something weird in the air. Maybe its week old beer and monster munch farts, but I think this year is going be quite good for me. Maybe, just... maybe. We shall see. Optimism is an usual thing. I just wish it isn't a cruel one.

I'm back in the UK now, armed with a shitload of beer to get a Rhino wankered and a stolen 30mm round from an Heavy Machine Gun (just don't ask...)

I'm still single regardless of what I say, and I'm still wondering why Gerrard never produces that kind of form for England? Both counts are frustrating for me...

I really need to get some sanity back into my life and stop hoping things will happen when they won't. To quote my long since departed friend (whose name shall remain nameless);

Only when you are happy with yourself, will you ever be happy with someone else.

Never a truer word spoken.

I'm itching to get back to uni and just itching to forget all this bullshit heartache that has panged me for the last 8 months. Hell, I'm single. I'm damn proud to be, and I'm not going to let it get in the way of what I'm going to do. Sadly, although I really like Yukari - she and I are will never be more than just good friends, even though I would love it to be more than that. But in my heart of hearts I want something more tangible, real and associative. I'll just be who I am, become happy and good things will happen to me. Being sure of it, makes it more likely to happen I reckon.

Anyway, being single does suck - and am I slowly learning to fucking love it. Only since I started uni and hanging around a lot of cute girls did I realise that I wasted a huge gap in my life since I broke up with my ex.

Here's my new uni resolution starting next week;

- Get the hell off Facebook and MSN (its not healthy to spend so much time peering at how sad other people are...)
- Get a g/f (easier said than done - I thankfully stayed single in the first year, which was a huge relief for all concerned.)
- Join a gym
- Join a sports society (probably Badminton or Jiu Jitsu)
- Find time to do something creative and constructive at least once a week
- Read a fictional book at least once a week.
- Get myself out to the pub at least once a week.
- Don't get drunk more than once a week (might nullify the previous if I'm stupid, but what the hell.)
- Yeah, don't be stupid.
- Eat healthy (no more stodgy fats and comfort food that makes you feel depressed.)
- ENJOY EVERYTHING (I may drop out, I may join the circus and become the next president of Nepal, therefore I have to keep a positive spin on things.)
- Finally, Take advantage of things given to you. And be more fucking socially active.

Man, that's a lot of things.

Anyway, I'm now in the process of writing up things for my new flat and preparing to get back into the swing of uni work by spending the next 3 weeks camped inside Teesside Library.

I remember Nagai-sensei (the legendary Japanese grammar teacher of Sheffield) was trying to explain to me the notion of being shocked びっくりする and used the example of, if I hypothetically went to her office and told her I will be leaving Sheffield and quitting Japanese.

Hmm. I suppose its always nice to have sensei on your side. My advice to anyone would be to speak to sensei and get her on your side. I suppose, ability will show but hard work will always shine. I'm sure even if you aren't the best at what you do, but give 100% and get help then that counts for something, and its something I'm always impressed with. The people who come with no Japanese ability whatsoever are the people I really admire the most on this course.

Overall I have mixed feelings over the second year, but if we have a more relaxed approach and smaller groups I may just feel that I have something worth fighting for... I will also feel pretty shit if some good people drop out, because there are such nice people doing this course and it would be a bastard to see them not doing the degree any more.

I'm just itching to start even though I feel very unprepared for all my modules so far. And for what its worth 上手じゃないよ！