I have finally ended what was a pretty bizarre relationship with Yukari today. In short, she is making me feel upset. I feel extremely sorry for her, because she is turning into a cast iron figure of sorrow and its making me feel lonely and depressed too. I want to speak with some of my friends who don't divert the conversation to relationships every six seconds. Yukari is a nice girl and she'll find happiness sooner or later. It just won't be with me. I'm going through a lot of things right now and being stuck in something like that - will only make things worse. Friends should make you happy and tell you what good things you have in your life, not showcase what is utterly wrong with yours like a prophetic mirror of doom.

I'm just really sad, because I don't think she ever will find happiness if she continues to act in the way she does.

For a girl at least, it can be damaging thanks in part to wilful and negligent sadism of men. I really hope she can do some growing up, because her behaviour has totally ruined things. It was never my intention to forge anything more than a decent online friendship with her, but now even that is ruined. Maybe, I am to blame for leading her on. Sometimes what I say and do can be misinterupted as something else. I can be overfriendly and perhaps she got the wrong impression.

I feel really sorry for her now. Because I feel like I have abandonded her, depsite the friendship we both created. But I feel as if, it had to end - for both of us. I'm just really sad, it has ended on such a sad note.

Well to lighten the mood, there will be some new Japanese students to meet in Sheffield soon - so no doubt things will be a lot different!

I'm back in the UK now, armed with a shitload of beer to get a Rhino wankered and a stolen 30mm round from an Heavy Machine Gun (just don't ask...)

I'm still single regardless of what I say, and I'm still wondering why Gerrard never produces that kind of form for England? Both counts are frustrating for me...

I really need to get some sanity back into my life and stop hoping things will happen when they won't. To quote my long since departed friend (whose name shall remain nameless);

Only when you are happy with yourself, will you ever be happy with someone else.

Never a truer word spoken.

I'm itching to get back to uni and just itching to forget all this bullshit heartache that has panged me for the last 8 months. Hell, I'm single. I'm damn proud to be, and I'm not going to let it get in the way of what I'm going to do. Sadly, although I really like Yukari - she and I are will never be more than just good friends, even though I would love it to be more than that. But in my heart of hearts I want something more tangible, real and associative. I'll just be who I am, become happy and good things will happen to me. Being sure of it, makes it more likely to happen I reckon.

Anyway, being single does suck - and am I slowly learning to fucking love it. Only since I started uni and hanging around a lot of cute girls did I realise that I wasted a huge gap in my life since I broke up with my ex.

Here's my new uni resolution starting next week;

- Get the hell off Facebook and MSN (its not healthy to spend so much time peering at how sad other people are...)
- Get a g/f (easier said than done - I thankfully stayed single in the first year, which was a huge relief for all concerned.)
- Join a gym
- Join a sports society (probably Badminton or Jiu Jitsu)
- Find time to do something creative and constructive at least once a week
- Read a fictional book at least once a week.
- Get myself out to the pub at least once a week.
- Don't get drunk more than once a week (might nullify the previous if I'm stupid, but what the hell.)
- Yeah, don't be stupid.
- Eat healthy (no more stodgy fats and comfort food that makes you feel depressed.)
- ENJOY EVERYTHING (I may drop out, I may join the circus and become the next president of Nepal, therefore I have to keep a positive spin on things.)
- Finally, Take advantage of things given to you. And be more fucking socially active.

Man, that's a lot of things.

Anyway, I'm now in the process of writing up things for my new flat and preparing to get back into the swing of uni work by spending the next 3 weeks camped inside Teesside Library.

Been so long wince I blogged my feelings and aspirations down. Maybe its due in part to my current job/holiday in France and also the fact I have nothing noteworthy to write because I'm stuck in a rut for 4 weeks until I return to my spiritual home of Sheffield.

At the minute, I'm suffering a crisis of confidence with my Japanese (mainly because I haven't studied at all for a week now.) I am also feeling pretty shitty about being single because its timeｓ like this, I just want to ring some girl up and do something mind numbingly boring. At least female company can keep me sane and not incessantly ruminating over my work.

So aside from ducking and weaving all these kanji compounds and vocab (*urgh*)　I am starting to plan my trip next summer. So far I'm working out the logistics and its going okay. I'm intending to make it up as a go along, although funds may hamper my attempts to backpack across SE Asia and most of Europe by train. I may negate visiting SE Asia altogether however I know I really want to go - even if it bankrupts me before I go to Japan.

And on the notion of that, I might not even go to Japan if I keep on feeling really low about my Japanese ability. I really want to pass this year, just to give myself a feeling that I am able to do this. I passed the first year okay - but something tells me until my exams in January, I still won't feel 100% confident about things. There is no question I feel much more confident going into this year than the first year. I feel a certain level of superiority now and almost a burden to be something greater. Maybe things will fall into place now, who knows... I have certainly got rid of my previous hangups now - and just want to slide into the second year and make the most of it. If I fail, I fail - but I want to do so without feeling like shit all the time.

Well, as for my round the world trip, I have sought out companies and providers who can get me to Moscow in 3 days from London (for the pricey sum of £188! which doesn't include visa fees for Belarus + 3 days worth of food) and now I have to work out the complicated matter of stopping off in Irkutsk (near Lake Baikal) and Ulan Bator before I end up Beijing. The rest may just be made up on the spot. Well, anyway - the very worst I can do is end up Beijing and tour around China until I go to Japan, although the trip across Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand and Malaysia is one I really want to do. If I could get to Moscow for under £100 on plane, I would happily negate my devotion to the train and end up flying. It might be much cheaper for me in the long-run. I'm not going to visit any of the countries I pass through (France, Belgium, Germany, Poland, Belarus) so maybe I should fly straight to Moscow instead.

Finally, Yukari said she would be coming to the UK in November. As much as I believe her, I don't think she will come (its very expensive for just one week.) I'm playing my cards close to my chest with regards to her at the minute, because something is praying on my mind with her. She clearly likes me, but we'll have to see how much she likes me. Women eh? Aren't they just the greatest?

PS: My contract for my flat was finally e-mailed and I'll be moving in on the 13th! Finally!

Its really nice to speak with my Japanese's friends through MSN recently. Although Yukari is really upsetting me with her tales of woe, it was nice to chat with my friend Saori from Nara the other day. Even though she told me she wants a mixed raced baby （日本語で：合い子）　in Canada, it was nice to hear her sounding so happy about her prospects. Thankfully, this is a stark contrast to Yukari whose boyfriend woes are becoming tiresome.

Speaking of female acquaintances in Japan, its been a long time since Miki and I exchanged e-mails, although recently we did find each other lurking about MSN one day before she went to uni. Internet forums and MSN have to be used liberally in this sense and obviously common touches do have to be applied. Some people are out to get a boyfriend or girlfriend (which is sadly 95% of the male population that trawl these sites) and some are misleading in their true intentions.

I don't believe much in things such as internet romance, as you really have to meet the person first and build up a slow rapport. I think if everyone could get a girlfriend that quick over the web, everyone would be doing it. But certainly making the first contact on the web is no mean thing.

The amount of weird Australian and Chinese people who have emailed me in the past month has been truly bizarre, although I must say my slew of activity has decreased this week.

I really do want to maintain friendships I forge with people on online, but sometimes its difficult, given the level of you have to put into it. In 3 months of messing about for online Japanese friends, I've made about 3 or 4 decent relationships which I will definitely hope to follow up once I'm out there.

Recently I feel a tad underwhelmed considering I won't be in Japan for another 14 months, so maybe I should have increased my 'circle' a few months before I was intending to leave the UK. Don't get me wrong, its nice to practice my Japanese, but you can't help but think I should be doing that in the more tangible world. Roll on Sheffield next year please. These 8 weeks of boredom are going to kill me.

This is inspired by a rather random episode last night as I was going to bed and attempting to finish up the vocabulary for ii keyoishi. My friend Yukari normally says hello to me, but today seemed very sad and decided to open to me about her ex. I've known about this for sometime and it hasn't bothered me - but now she seemed very worked up over it.

I found it bizarre that she decided to open to me at such a weird time. Straight after waking up. Just very odd that her mood should change like that. From someone who has been in long distant relationships, they take time, effort, patience and persistence. I think anyone who can handle them are much stronger. I'm sure she'll be stronger for it, because she really needs to learn how to deal with them.

Given the high level of people I know who are dating Japanese boys and gals, LDR's are sometimes extremely hard to deal with. Last year I almost semi-consciously decided not to get a g/f because it just messes things up. I also couldn't handle such long spells apart, so in that sense I understood my friend's pain.

My ex lived in Dubai and that was a nightmare sometimes. So what I'm saying is this.

That person may be far away, but you shouldn't see it as a challenge if you generally love someone. Be that 10 miles down the road or 10,000 miles.

Oh what beautiful sentiment for a Friday morning eh?

Finally, me and Mizuho are not an item, despite us making plans to go to Fuji Rock together next summer.

はい、まだ独身だなぁ。。。

じゃまたね　☆