My eyes are burning, as is my throat, as is my face, and is the skies of Sheffield. Hayfever is killing me, just as these poxy exams are. Glorious weather this weekend but sadly I can't enjoy it thanks to the constraints of my final exam of second year. On Thursday, I woke up at 7am and travelled up to Hillsborough for a 9am, 3 hour exam on Contemporary Japanese Society. Sounds interesting doesn't it?

Not really. I ended up finishing it in time and got all my questions answered, but still felt as if it was a little too much of a sociological analysis than outright debate. Tbf, I followed my lecturers advice of stating my own opinion and expressing a unique view of Japan. I didn't just glance over the lecture notes and rehash everything, I did express my own ideas on these concepts - which, in the words of my lecturer is the 'A Grade'.

I completely ran out of steam towards the end, and what started off as a nice little essays about the Japanese Constitution and the social effects of the rapid economic growth was a tainted somewhat by the final question about homogeneity - which I sorted of answered very loosely and didn't really plan out. Either it will be a work of genius or a simple crazy guy rant.

Still... I did it. And that's the most important thing. I couldn't give two shits about grades this year - there is so much I've learnt that doesn't need to be given some grade. Who cares about a 2:2 or 2:1 - its about getting the job done.

Onwards to my second and final exam - which is the big one. Japanese Language IV. How I have thought about this as being a complete useless thing. I've now reached a point where I am merely cramming vocab and grammar structures for this. I know roughly what will be on the exam (unlike Semester 1 where I rushed into it and didn't revise the topics adequately.) However, I still feel as if, something bad is lurking on that page when I open it up on Thursday. I just know - something will be there that I can't answer. The Japanese to English translation is going to be proably the hardest, as its the only one I'm not sure on how I will tackle it. I reckon no-one will get a first on this section. Our marker is a grammar pedant! Probably only professional translators could succed. The second bit, the reading comprehension is probably my worse - but again, I'm a victim more to not understanding the context, rushing through it and/or not getting the kanji/grammar etc. The final bit is a mini-sakubun on statistics, which I can sorta do, but am not 100% confident. At most it will be a very bad literal English to Japanese translation with some of my own work thrown in for good measure.

But still, the point is to do my best. I'm certainly not attempting to learn extra vocab, grammar and kanji over the summer for merely 'passing an exam' - I'm doing it for the Japanese. At most the exam seems like a huge side distraction for that and more of a pithy little bit of paper to satisfy my teachers. I really prefer doing more 'practical' Japanese - which is why next year is essential and this year is pretty naff. I guess learning statistics in Japanese is supposed to prepare us for the dissertation in year IV.

Anyways, taking last semester as a prime example - I hardly failed (it was just the one rushed section that screwed my grade up. But as I sit here looking at all this crazy grammatical nonsense, I do question my own sanity about studying Japanese.

Oh well. Its just vocab that is letting me down. I kinda know the grammar and can translate okay. As long I don't panic like last time - I'll be okay.

This summer is going to be one of study sadly. I need to do the joyo kanji and head up all the grammar I've done. I might head up to Durham during my time back home to try and meet some Japanese people who want some language exchanges or whatever. My speaking has gotten so bad - I've forgotten so many basic words in Japanese! >_<

Anyways, as the longest day comes about soon - so does the longest exam in the world. But I'll be finished next Thursday afternoon. And that is what is driving me on for these final few days.

I've procrastinated today. I woke up at 9am, ready for an assault on the library - but suddenly felt a rush of tiredness. Fell back to sleep, woke up and then decided walk around in the sunshine in my shorts and t-shirt. It was truly glorious. Probably the best weather of the year so far. Despite that, I came back to my flat from this nonsense wondering about, ate some chicken tikka pasties and then watched my team get relegated. I'll save you the grizzly details of how and why we got relegated after 11 years in the Premiership - but if you must here you are. Interesting and sad at the same time. I am tempted to fuck my exams up just so I can stay here in Sheffield for one more year to watch us play at Hillsborough (or even Brammall Lane!)

I just can't believe I wasted today - especially considering I have an exam on Thursday. I mean, it was such a pointless waste. I could have done a ton of more interesting things to while away the time. Lie in the sun, read some interesting works of literature, write a love letter to girlwhohappenstobemyfriend - but NO. Instead I just slept, ate, pissed around on youtube and did minimal work.

The only notable thing I have done is to just glance over some notes concerning Japan's economic slide and finish up my classical Japanese translation, which is ready to hand in on Tuesday morning. That will mean I have done 1 out of 3 modules this year and go into the next ones feeling a little bemused over how well I'll do. I've severely lost some passion for this course now - and hopefully next year will rescue me (both a long and short way off at the same time.)

*ugh* I'm sitting here typing this with a ton of kanji flashcards and my grammar notes, all the while wondering when I can finish this year. It seriously can't come soon enough. I should really make up for today by working my arse off tomorrow. This time I mean it... No, I really do. I don't care how tired I feel, or how depressed.

I would like to make a retraction to the previous post a while back about my annoying and loud flatmate. Heat of the moment stuff and all that. Since the exams have kicked in, everyone has been a bit stressed out. Actually at the moment, its eerily quiet. In fact, I wonder if a tree fell in our flat - would it make a sound?

Anyways... I should stop using this blog as a vehicle for my personal rants (no matter how fun they fucking are sometimes!)

I am definitely going to bed soon.

Jaa ne.

About time I blogged in...

Today saw me do an incredible thing. Studying on a Saturday! Why, whatever next?

Right now I have wearily said goodbye to my second year lectures and I now enter the murky waters of final year exams. I actually have only two to tangle with. The first which is this coming Thursday and the next which is the Thursday after. I feel more confident about them than I did last week, which is mainly due to the fact I am revising the shit out of them. I still think I'll fall below expectations - but given how there is very little to fail (I know I am not going to get a scholarship) then part of me is going into the exam feeling a little relieved. I just want to go in, get it done - receive my customary shoddy mark and then piss off.

At the moment, I don't really care about the grade for Jap Language. I consider it valueless, given the fact most of the Japanese I learn outside of the course is going to better use to actually improving my Japanese. I should be on course to nail the Joyo kanji (i.e. the entire main character set) before I go to Japan as well simply cram the living daylights out of vocab and speaking techniques. So far, I simply do not have the time to go over material such as that, when you have to revise these utterly pointless topics. I'm simply cramming the essential vocab and going over the grammar structures to make sure I can pass.

Anyway. I'm sacrificing what is now 11 days in order to pass these exams. Boy, I really need to get cracking on this writing practice. Well anyway, a deadly strain of swine flu is going around the uni and I have to avoid this somehow, despite spending most of my time in the Bangladeshi-sweat shop conditions of our library during exam season.

Thank you pro-plus and red-bull. It will all be worth it in the end. I guess. :-|

Right I'm off to bed, to think about all things Japan. Night night

Jaa ne

One of the select choice of music I use to annoy my flatmate, and one which I seriously am starting to love a little bit more since I latched onto a few years ago is the wonderful Proxy from Russia.

Its very much electro at its best.

Check out it out here. Basically a remix of "Dancing in the Dark" by Schwarzkopf . But it manages to mix a ton of other elements in there as well. Just brilliant. You may have heard the tune 'Raven' being payed on a Mr Oizo set, which also featured this gem of a track.

Yes, that's right Bruce Willis is Dead!

Living in Rockingham House is cool and all - but sadly this year has kinda been shit, because we have to share with some Nigerian, who I really can't stand the sight off. That's not racist btw. I couldn't give a toss where he comes from. If you're annoying, you're annoying. I reserve the right to call a spade, a spade and a dick a dick.

He basically goes to bed at 4, wakes up 10ish and then decides to play what they call "urban music". In short, he's just an asshat. In fact that's probably quite accurate. He's an ass who wears a hat, or possibly a hat thats made of asses. I haven't decided yet. But the smell he gives off, leads me to think its the latter.

Tbh, his music is no contest for my bass-laden electro music. Its just the sheer annoyance of his music I take a severe dislike to though. Its like being forced to listen to the most turgid music of all time through my bedroom wall. Even my brother, who listens to some quite annoying soft-rock stuff is not half as annoying.

To describe the situation its like some fat Nigerian is hovering of your bed forcing his chubby little fingers into your ears, singing the same song over and again whilst playing a game of 'Let's pin the tail on the stereotype'

(Mental note: that might have seemed racist - in which case I whole heatedly apologise and gleefully tell you to fuck off for stop being so stupid.)

I kinda love it because his speakers are so absolutely shit. Even when he tries to turn it up, I have so much volume and bass that it can just overpower them. The thing is, I just don't wish to sit in my room listening to some fucking half-intelligent 'gangsta from the hood' or cocained riddled snotbag giving me a lecture on what it means to love a woman in more ways imaginable. I'd rather just play the most hardcore annoying electro music ever.

Anyways... I've decided to play a mega-mix I've found on the internet (about an hour long) which I shall play at a time of my choosing during the hours of 5 to 7am. My other flatmate exams finish a day before mine (basically the 3rd) and the other will be in Cardiff, So Mr Smellypants better keep an open mind, and gleefully "respect my differences" (what the management of this godforesaken place tell us when we complete about his pongy smell and pig-like attitude towards hygiene.)

Oh my! I think I've just broken my speakers! Hahahaha. Take that you smelly Nigerian!

Recently my flatmate recorded some of the noise, him and his 'homies' were making a few days ago. Thank God I wasn't here. It sort of reminds me of this internet wonder.

Hopefully, if I can record some more between now and when I leave - I am tempted to turn into a remix, and turn it into a internet hit. Or at least wake up him at 6am with it. Think of it, he's merely waking himself up.

Firstly, I respect the fact he is gay (my previous two flats I lived in, had gay flatmates) and have nothing wrong with that. I mean, I assume he is gay. The RnB, the constant male company, the working out in the kitchen, the late nights in an out of the flat...

I mean... I sorta think so. I mean the rest of us have all had our g/f's round and he has nothing but men coming around and working out in makeshift flat in our gym... Makes you wonder.

Maybe he's just shy to introduce us to Julian or whatever guy he's fucking up the ass.

(Mental note: This seems homophobic, in which case I gleefully respect you to shut the fuck up and live here instead.)

Oh, only 5 days and two weeks left here in Suckingham House. Let's hope I can hold out before then eh? Or maybe I'll be bumraped by 50 cent when I'm not looking.

PS: Not a homphobic racist.

Britain is often noted by many foreigners that its always raining. This is actual not true, as some places in the UK are incredible dry. The East for example receives far less rainfall than the west of the country (in places such as Manchester) as the rain tends to hit the Pennines after rolling in off the Atlantic. Its not uncommon, in my hometown (in the North East of England) for it to go weeks and weeks with it not raining - especially in the winter months, when most of the preciptation tends to be snow.

Sheffield is kinda unique in that because it is located in the center of the country and next to the bottom ridge of the hills - the weather can turn from one day to the next quite suddenly. This tends to be more of a rounder synopsis of British weather as whole. We can have glorious t-shirt wearing weather one day, and pissing it down rain the next.

So if you are thinking of coming here, and god help you. I advise you to prepare for all weather elements. This is especially more true in the summer months when the weather can turn quite volatile. This is the season we receive most of our rain due to the large increase in humidity and alternating pressure.

Today itself was quite abymsal in terms of weather as it was, rather typically, overcast and rainy. It seemed to hold off for a while, and then around about 7pm - we got a bit of thinderstorm action. Not exactly the same type of thunderstorms you get in Asia - the ones I will most definitely be witnessing for a large protion of my trip next summer.

After farting about trying to get a good movie, I jumped into our creaky little flat balcony and kept rolling. After a while my arm got so tired that I turned the camera off. *BOMB* Maybe it was melodramatic but it sounded like someone firing a shotgun. A huge spark of light. Bollocks. The camera wasn't running and I had missed it.

After exactly 4 failed attempts, I sat for the next one and finally got something. It was completely unspectacular. Not even a loud enough roar to wake the Gods in my head for a Classical Japanese class after 7 cans of Strongbow. And then the sun started to break through, and the mini-storm floated off into the Peak District the exact same way it came.



Storms are normally so shit in the UK - but apparently we get a lot of thunderbolts hitting our fair little island. In fact, a lot of people have been killed by them - although I was brave enough to survive this one! (Can you feel this sarcasm wafting through your computer screen?)

I'd like to blog about something interesting, but the reality is that life is inherently mundane right now and I generally have nothing to talk about. I went to Tuesday Club with two of my friends last night, got a bit drunk and missed my two lectures this morning. This means, over the past few weeks I have missed more lectures than I have in the entirety of my time in Sheffield up until that point.

The fact is, there is very little new things we are doing and everything is merely exam preparation. I am finding most of the classes really, really tedious - and would prefer to sit in the library revising - seeing as I have next to no time to revise once all the lessons end.

For my classical Japanese module - I just have to finish off a translation - which I have pretty much done (about 90%) and this is due in 12 days I think. Off to the library tomorrow both to redo it (that is to say, keep going over it until it all makes sense) and then start revising for my Japanese language exam - and maybe sneak in some Contemp reading as well. With luck, I should have a very productive weekend.

But as you can imagine, its all incredibly boring - I feel both prepared and unprepared for this exam at the same time. Something tells me there is going to be a nasty little surprise when I open the paper up, 3 weeks from today. I know the material, but I think my Achilles heel (that is to say my essay writing techniques in both Japanese and English) will kill me. The very most I can do is try to remember these grammatical structures. I am aiming for a 2.1 - despite the disaster of the last one - but I will gladly take a pass beyond anything.

The driving force for me passing these exams has just increased, now that I have discovered the most amazing girl ever. It seems bizarre, but I actually have made (sorry 'we' have made) the conscious decision to not see each other for a while. Its partly due to my time constraints - but also the fact that I just want to focus on my exams and get them done - so we can be together next year. I'd sacrifice a few weeks for the sake of a relationship that could go on for years or even a lifetime, you know? Besides, when I don't see her for a while, I certainly feel more attracted to her. Also, she is leaving the country and I won't see her for just over 2 months after June - so this is going to be quite difficult and of course needs some practice to get used to.

Ah... love.... exams... stress....

Such a bizarre, schizophrenic, Kafkaesque time in Sheffield right now. Tomorrow will signal the marker of 3 weeks. Just 3 weeks, 21 days if you will. When the sky shall turn black and shall only be lightened up seeing her straight after it.

I've lost something today. Actually, something has died within me today. That's not just me saying, I've lost the will to live, that's me telling you something has died inside me. I've lost it for good. A part of me died inside and I'm powerless to help it.

Well, I'm basically fed up. My course is coming to an end and at the minute all I can do is revise - which is boring. What's even more worse is that I am sick of living where I am living right now and pine for my brand spanking new 36" HDTV and Playstation 3 with Residential Evil 5. I want to go to my local, drink some cider, watch some football and just forget about studying Japanese. This year is just so dull and I can't be bothered anymore.

I'm not overly confident about one of my modules called Contemporary Japanese Society - which sort of fits in nicely with the whole "Japan is screwed" concept - but is fiendishly difficult to analyse in terms of a sociological viewpoint. There is also a ton of information I should really know about Japan that I currently don't. I expect 3 hours of bullshitting my way through this.

My other module is of course Japanese language - which is annoying because they are basically cramming in seven years worth of work into 3 months and then ask you do some extra stuff so you can be semi-fluent when we arrive in Tokyo next year. Yeah right. My Japanese has actually gotten worse this year thanks to workload this year. Next year is actually looking like a doddle compared to this year. My grammar still stinks (I overuse and misuse particles like its out of fashion) whereas my speaking is non-existent. I just can't be arsed (especially when I'm living in the UK and there is very little incentive.) I'm still at a much higher level than my current grades give me credit for - which is why when I go to Japan I will have amassed a far greater knowledge of the language than some of my contemporaries who are going to Japan. I am basically giving up June and July in order to keep focusing on this grammar and vocab and of course to finish off the dreaded kanji set (I am at about 40% - which seems ridiculous.) I am desperate in a sick, perverted kinda way to absolutely obliterate everyone one is getting a scholarship for next year - as it vindicates me. It makes me feel good about myself when I look at my ability alongside people who have either lived in Japan or have Japanese parents/spouses. I would be personally embarrassed if after one or two years there my level was the same as someone whose some total comes to around 10 days. With this in mind, I am going to force myself upon learning and speaking it everyday in Japan. Like I said, I've changed. A part of me has died today. Its dead. It will never come back.

I am very close to killing my "other" flatmate (I use inverted commas to show my contempt for him) as personally he can die in a ditch someway in a lay-by on the M40 after he hemorrhages so much blood from being beaten brutally by his own fucking gym weights and RnB CD's. Nah, I'm kidding really I wouldn't really do that.... I'd chuck him in the M1 - as its on my way home and far more convenient. Plus the ditches on the M40 aren't that suitable to dump mutilated corpses. He shall die along with the very core that has departed me today.

All this stress of the exams and my Japanese ability is putting me through absolute uncontrollable stress which is bringing back my very bad anxiety attacks - which can be absolutely crippling. So I see a doctor and he gives me some valium. What then? I'll just get some infarction from either Kanye West giving me an ebonics lecture on love through my fucking concrete wall or some hyped up bitch at Japan Society jumping around and bouncing off the wall because it seems Japan is the greatest thing in the world. Oh do fuck off. Just let me sup my beer, take my valium, and let the things inside me die in peace thank you very much. Let me console myself about what I've just lost today. I'm mourning. Let me mourn in peace.

This year has been a washout socially - mainly down to me not giving two slimey handjobs about doing the same things as last year again and also because I'd rather save up on the whole 'excitement' for next year.

But its crazy. The very things I'm depressed about should me make me feel happy right? I'm studying Japanese at one of the best universities in the country, I'm off to Japan next year to live in Tokyo for a whole year, I have a beautiful, smart and funny girlwhohappenstobemyfriend who likes me - I am at the pinnacle of my life right now.

But is this what I've lost today. My previous sense of perspective. My former sense of reality. My old hope for the future. I've become such a strong person over the past couple of years that I am incapable of doing what I would have done so long ago - and that was to give up and admit defeat and hide in the shadow of what is confronting me. I am not scared anymore. I'm not scared of the things and the people around me and whether or not I choose to accept them and let them get the better of me.

That's what I've lost today. That is what has died inside me.

Semper Fi

RIP

I'll miss you my dear friend.

Interesting little video on the whole Japanese mask thing. I remember seeing one show on Japanese TV in which foreigners were asked about the weird things they experience in Japan. Most certainly, wearing gas masks is one of them and came up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCI0pGgr33g&feature=channel

Different cultures I guess, but Japan is one that is obsessed with hygiene.

I'll leave you with my some of my thoughts. These thoughts amble through my brain at a million miles a second but take years to understand. Here's what I think so far, about Japan, about life, about myself and about my future in general. No.... actually that's wrong, I won't be telling you that - because I am incapable of doing so. Here's what you should do;

Go and find a copy of 'Cat's Cradle' by Kurt Vonnegut. Read it cover to cover. Done? Good.

The main protagbist of this book is a guy called John Everyman. For he is just an everyman and called John.

Upon researching the history behind the Atomic bomb and the children of Felix Hoenikker, the creator of the modern atom bomb - he discovers 'Ice-9' a chemical that can turn all the world's water supplies into ice by a process of atom crystalising from one to another. Finding himself flung ashore on San Lorenzo one of the poorest nations on earth in search of locating Hoenikker's children he discovers the relgion if Bokononism - so influential that it is banned even though everyone practices it.

The corrupt dictator of this tinpot little island, uses his sources to buy a piece of Ice-9 from one of Hoenikker's children who is living on the island. The dictator promplty drinks the chemical to commit suicide as a result of a terminal cancer and promptly infects the river source - and thus every single drop of water on earth.

As the water dries up, John seeks refuge in a bomb shelter and discovers the rest of the people on San Lorenzo who although suriving in the shelters have committed suicide by ingesting Ice-9, at the bequest of the teachings of Bokonoism.

However he finds Lionel Boyd Johnson - Bokonon, the founder of Bokononism. He is a working on a book. The greatest book on human stupidity the world has ever seen. In conclusion, Bokonon advises John to climb to the top of the highest mountain on the island, clutching his book. This book - is called Cat's Cradle. There he rests, book grasped firmly in his hands and looking straight up into the sky as all the life source around him evaporates into blocks of ice.

He swallows the last remaining Ice-9 and grins horribly still staring up into the sky, one single man, an everyman if you will, one single person holding a testament of man's utter stupidity and utterly doomed existence on this planet.

For you see. I am John. I am an everyman. I am the man carrying this book to the top of a mountain as the world turns into blocks of ice around me.